soliloquy.

Saturday, April 24, 2004

woah. haven't blogged for a long time... right. one day. ahaz.

omg. saturday night fever ROCKS! it rocks like crap lah.. i was going half deaf cos the speakers were right in front of us.. woah. so big speakers some more.. but who cares. could hear his voice better than.. :D ahah. think my dad was totally deaf. speakers in one ear.. me in the other. haha. i was screaming like a mad woman. i swear the couple in the next block next to us, cos we're at the end.. good seats! yeah. wait. they were laughing and talking about me.. and they kept turning to look at me.. and kept laughing at me.. hahahaha. sorry lah. luckily i wasn't sitting next to anybody.. i was at the corner.. whee. deeda. then there was one part.. where monty[DALE PENGALLY!!!!!!!!!!!! my first boyfriend from 'singing in the rain'] asked us to stand up and dance. he was like "come on singapore!! this is YOUR turn to dance!!" hahahahahah. i jumped up from my seat and started dancing like a siao za bo.. who cares right.. haha. then everybody started standing up.. i didn't know that singaporeans were so nice.. as in like.. they actually give support.. kinda thing. i thought i was the only one.. cos the whole theatre was so quiet except for me screaming.. haha. :D yup. i was dancing and shaking like a maniac. my father was still sitting down. irritating. i pulled him up.. cos he was the only one sitting down. haha. omg. i've never had so much fun at a musicale.. and i was trying to copy their dance steps. but *cough* a bit fast ah.. and was in a skirt.. haha. so yeah.. but still had fun.. was shaking that booooooty. haha. -grin- think if i went to a charismatic church i'd fit right in man.. hahahahaha. omg.

ADAM-JON FLORENTINO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ARGH....................... -FAINTS- i was melting in my seat throughout the whole thing.. when he first came out.. i was screaming and screaming. then.. i cried after the screen dropped. so sad! the last time i'll EVER see him.. ahha. SUPER sexy lah. when he took off his top ah.. hmm. i was dying.. i was pinching my dad. haha. he's got a dancers body. he's got a SIX PAC. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....................... he was like flexing his muscles.. omg.. he looked sooo good. he was wearing black briefs too. -grin- WAH LAO... the dances are SUPER good. and i mean SUPER.. the moves are nice. they're super retroincorporatingmordern dances.. i was like wah laoing the whole time at them. i loooooved the dance competition.. that was FANTASTIC! they were like flying and flying everywhere. ahhh. i miss dancing. sigh.. stupid squash.

haha. the show was a BIT sick ah.. especially for someone like me.. wah lao. was he wearing like padding or was his thing really THAT humongous!! he brought a LOT of attention to it.. sick lah. and i really mean BIG. sick lah.. then another guy.. omg. he GRIPPED his thing. not touch, not hold GRIP. sick lah. then they touch each other's boobs like nobody's buisness.. ahhaahhahahahaha. i was screaming and laughing like siao. so sick. and the couple was laughing at me when i laughed. haha. :D hey. i'm only 14! haha. :P and eeeeeeyuck. hahahhahahahahahahhaha. dale pengally's butt. is sooooooooooo. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. i screamed when he showed us his jelly butt. it wobbled when he shook. omg.. hahahahaha. SO FUNNY!?!?! HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAH. but i think overall it was a fantastic show.. dancing, singing, acting, and the lead role actually had a cute guy.. woah. best. i loooove him. i love guys who can sing and dance.. that's a super plus plus plus if they can.. but if they can't then it's ok.. just sing.. haha. but guys who can mOOOOve are cool.. whee. i love dance. sigh..

miss dance. A LOT. but i'm too outta touch to go back. and i doubt she'll let this blob of fats go back.. haha. deedum. ohoh. the super best part was soooooooo many things were orange!!! hahaha. so me. :D deeda.

ergh. so irritating. later got to go back to school for some briefing. not for me.. for my parents.. but what.. i must go and usher. bleagh. humph. missing ypg. sigh. deeeeeeeeeda.

[guess it's working. freezing slowly. please don't melt it. i'll die if you do.]

ah. staring at my trophy. so irritating. train for 2 years.. to get this small silver thing. hahahhahahaha. people cry over a silver trophy. it's ok actually. i don't mind. :D i was just super elated to get a trophy. my first squash trophy.. woah. feels good. :D taking pics all over the place with all the teams.. deeda. kk. gtg. tata. :D

so they said.

Thursday, April 22, 2004

hmm. quite successful. it's disappearing. woah. that was fast. but then sometimes when it reappears. it really hurts.

sigh. found the website. i bet you all will read one. don't go around spreading please. haiz.

whee. i've started studying!! :D geog. -pats head- haha. better start mugging exams are in 12 days. and i've JUST started.. sigh. school is bleagh. omg.

WHOO! I GOT A B FOR CHINESE! WOOOOOOOOOO! HAHA. who cares i got right smack 60!! woosh. hehez. :D the b's there. muahaha. sigh.. but it really really pulled my average down a LOT. hm.. english and chinese pulled my average down like crap. 72 lor.. ergh. so low. it's not even an a1 average.. sigh. better study harder.

was thinking. i wouldn't like a friend who'd cut herself. my friends won't either right? sigh. but. haiz. i thought i'd never hurt myself. what's happening? whatever. hate thinking about stuff like this. it's easier to run.

omg. what's with guys? a bit slow ah.. i think we've gotten bored of boys already. i certainly have. thank goodness. haha. woah.. last year.. talk until go mad liaoh. this year stop already. GOOD. :D now school friends. and hmm. honestly, it's quite irritating. boys, guys. aiyo. but. love is patient. i must learn how to be patient eh.. haha. i'm ok with guys.. just not in every conversation.. PLEASE.

i hate being left out. i hate people being left out. know something. i realize something. i'm always with the loud people.. the funkier group.. and then.. always in the centre.. then. there's always this neglection.. it sucks. if i weren't in the "cool" group then there wouldn't be this already would there. argh. everywhere i go it's like this. sigh.

"commitment holds it up when love wears away" quotes ms leong.. talking about marriages. woah.. sad. love wearing away.. :S haha. got my cme project back.. whee. got 48/60.. muahaha. at least i passed. i did crap lah.. haha. totally cheated.. :P

our job is to make God smile. sawah raised that up. she always has nice quotes.. hehe. yeah. :D nice. make God smile. hmm. i can make people laugh, make people smile, make people cry *cough* can i make God smile? doubt i have.. maybe once or twice.. i don't know.. izzit the same as bringing glory to God? woah. know what. i've realised that it's tough. standing out from the crowd.. all these cliches? they're actually really tough to do.. how do i stand out from the crowd when i here i am on the verge of slashing my wrist. how does this Glorify God. this doesn't even make Him smile.. sigh...

okok. ah.. i shall stop talking about it. i'm really freaking myself out.. man i'm freaky. alethia (my fan) said hi to me yesterday and today.. i think she purposely walked past my table today. hahaz.

oosh. tomorrow going to watch saturday night fever!!! john-adam florentina!!!!!!!!!!!!! ARGH.. he's so hot.. hahahaha. i'm soo going to scream like mad after the end.. don't want it to end. i want to see him forever and ever.. ohoh. i'm talking about a guy..

they took photos after they won on tuesday. once again i wasn't in it ........................................
...............................................................-.- whatever... who cares. must keep reminding myself. i play not for the glory but cos i love the sport and i play for the Lord. remember to use the blessings given to me.. okok. i better go mug. sigh. tata.

so they said.

Tuesday, April 20, 2004

chinese book test tomorrow. unfinished chinese book. can't be bothered to finish reading it. hehez. really cannot. my eyes really hurt. should be able to pass chinese test. got all the clues from my friends. woah. more than clues lor. they told us which zao ju and which gou ci came out. yay. thank you! help me pass. naughty eh. but still.

yup. aiyo. my friends.. really bully me like crap. sigh. it's not my fault i trust them.. then they keep tricking me. how am i supposed to trust them anymore. liew.. 10 of them gang up against me. i bet there's more who knew about it. sigh.

hm. got geog test today. i'm proud to say that i got the lowest score on earth. 21/35. FREAK. omg. i was DAMN pissed. thinking about it i still am. but i tried really hard. i just couldn't. i cried in class. but i was pretending to study my chinese book on my lap.. so yeah. hope no one saw. know what. i was eyeing the scissors. but in the end i used a pencil. couldn't do it in front of my friends. i think they'd kill me. hmm.

i think i no need to trip science already lah please.. ergh. i HATE SCHOOL. f school. hate it. why must i be the stupid one? why can't i be smart? why? why? why? it SUCKS being stupid. do you know that. obviously. keep on saying in my face... oh, i did very badly. bugger off. i've got the lowest grades in class. wah lao. i wish i wasn't in this class. the pressure is immense. and when i mean immense i MEAN immense. pressure which is driving me insane. pressure which is compelling me to cut. pressure which is going to break me ANY instant. what's the point in studying when i'm already stupid!? HUH. it sucks being me. i suck in EVERY subject. i don't even have a single good subject. i've only got what.. how few a1s lah. and this is CA. i can't even score in CA. CAMILLE!? how freaking stupid can you get. you're so stupid you can't take triple science. i bet you can't even take double.

ARGH. school. go away. i hate you. i hate you to the core. why do you torture me so much? stop playing with my mind.

can't decide what sciences i want to take. i love bio. but bio chem is a lousy combo. then i don't really like physics chem. so what does that leave me with? don't want to do single. then do what. triple. watch me cut myself doing triple. 9 bloody subjects. thank goodness i don't take 3rd language. if i did. hm. shan't comment. BUT. i'm apparantly to stupid to take triple. i REALLY feel like dying. then i wouldn't have to choose would i..

hm. we're going to get 4 new squash courts.. woah. no wonder scgs has no money.. 4 squash courts and
2 basketball/netball courts.. oosh. going to be completed by end of the year. pro sia..

omg. nicoll highway collapsed.. scary. i was like. terrorists!? then i was praying like mad. cos i was right next to it.. actually not next to it. nearby. at kallang. then my gramma was coming to fetch me. i was super scared something happened to her then she didn't answer her phone.. made it worse. aiyo. first time i was actually interested in news. woah.

"wounds so deep
they never show
they never go away"

-easier to run-
linkin park.

loveit. hm. i think i'm depressed. yet why do i go hyper and laugh like siao? man i'm scary. but who cares about me. i hate myself. go and die camille.

so they said.

Monday, April 19, 2004

period.

hm. suay day. SUPER suay day. i HAD to forget to bring my science prac book. haha.. not only me. my whole clique.. again. liew.. punished.. stay back after school to clean up the science labs. WAH LAO.. i hate her lah.. actually i don't. just that everytime i'm going to get into trouble, it's science. forever.. ergh. it's always on the day i have home economics that it's a bad day.. haiz. serious. then i didn't do my sewing.. ergh.. i needed a hook and eye.. so i asked my friend to cut out from my uniform.. omg. ergh. yeah.. then i didn't do my patchwork. bleagh. and my friends pulled me to the side during break and said. "do you know becky cut herself" omg.. you should have seen my reaction. i stormed back into class. and told my partner. i'm in a bad mood. yup. horrible day. but in the end. they told me it was ANOTHER prank.. liew.. i hate them man.. they were SO scared that i was super angry with them.. and becky claimed that i was avoiding her the whole day.. when i was looking for her and i couldn't find her the whole day.. bleagh.. ahah. so dumb. i'm FOREVER the victim.. thanks ah.. forever kena bullied. humph. "gullible" they call me.. some kinda friends.. haha. :D but i'm not angry. i know it's all in the name of fun. :D i'm not THAT petty. yeah.

actually i'm quite glad they played that prank on me.. cos in a way.. now i'll understand how my friends would feel if i cut myself. woah. scary man.. i wanted to cry. i wanted to yell. i wanted to scold her. man. i seriously shouldn't cut myself. hm.

ah. tomorrow's mgs finals. sigh. don't know how things will work out. just yelled at my brother. i'm in super not a good mood. haiz.

either watching my show, or blogging. so i'm blogging. but after this will go watch my show... chris lee. woot. haha. tomorrow got hcl test. shit lah. omg.. i'm SUPER pissed. i think i should just stop blogging before i stop swearing.

i've got a feeling that i'm going to have that feeling again.. everytime i'm pissed it's like that. stupid cramps. i'm really going to swear. ciao.

so they said.

Sunday, April 18, 2004

posted on friday (except comp something wrong again.): whatever. i'll study ok!? i won't fail.. what.. expect me to top the class? think we ALL can dream on.. ergh. chill man. -quotes becky- am i still not good enough for you? know what. i'll never be good enough. your expectations will just go higher and higher. and i'm sick and tired of living with them. cos i always feel as if i've disappointed you. but what can i do. i've come this far. i know it's so not by myself. i've been blessed like crap. still not happy? i'm stressed cos of these blessings. and you're not helping to relieve any of this stress with your nagging. i'm really sick of living up to people's expectations. teachers, friends, parents. what's with expectations. if they're too high. how am i supposed to achieve them. the worse are mine. prolly the root cause of stress. but i can't help if it if i want to make you happy. i have to do better than what you expect right. and know what. i'm trying to concentrate on squash. you don't let me. i have to concentrate on my studies. what. you know i'm hopeless at studies. i refuse to work harder. not that i won't study. i will. watch me. know what. i can bet infinity dollars that over streaming, we're going to fight like crap. you're going to make me cry like shit. you made me cry like shit over squash. i told you i didn't want to go for it. cos now you see. i'm either geting in or going for tryouts. i told you i completely don't want. and what. you forced me to go. and now i've changed my mind. i'm going for it. what the.. i TOLD you, i know myself, you make me go, i'll get second thoughts. and you KNOW how much squash means to me. i don't care how shit cries. i'm super pissed right now. you claim you're expectations are not high. what crap. you expect me to excel in squash as well as academics. am i super woman? do i LOOK like super woman to you. why is life so unfair? i'll never understand. the bible says i won't be tested to what i can't do or something like that. why does everyone except me believe that i can do it. actually know what. i know i can do it too. i know very well that i can do both. but what. i don't want to. i don't want to deal with the stress. i want to enjoy my life. i want to live a happy-go-lucky life.. why am i not allowed to do that? both ways i suffer. like HUH!? this sucks lah. know something. i thank God i was born ugly. then i won't have problems with guys. if i had guys to think about. woah. i think. i'd be dead like 4 weeks ago. fine. i'll give EVERYTHING up and just be dictated by you, your expectations, my expectations, teacher's expectations and by Singapore's government.

so they said.