Saturday, May 08, 2004
so what if nobody else loves me. God loves me. *wham* that whacked me hard. even when everybody has given up on me God still loves me. Pastor's the best. seriously. i love pastor!
i shall do what sawah does. cos it really helps me think about what they've done for me.
F.B.I. force behind it. nice. real nice. my friends are the force man.
ok.
sawah: for letting me copy this idea. you're really the one to talk to. and you love all of us. so huggable and cute. really the one there. the one talking sense.
jojo: you make crap sound really good. you're really the one who takes the time to explain stuff to me when i don't understand. you're the understanding one.
rach: you're just there. you make me laugh. help me relieve stress. the humble and the one who never tells me who she likes. *bish* down-to-earth.
[we seriously have to make a pact. i think it's cool to know each other inside out. don't you think so? haha. ok fine. must tell me who you like though!! :D haha. must suan lah. that's what friends are for. ]
dru: thanks. you're always there when i need someone. really. you're the one i can count on most. most responsible and you've got a beeeeg heart of love and care.
joyce: you're so sweet i can't stand you. you're the one to go to if you just need to talk and laugh. really sensible. a girl truly growing up.
shi yun: never stops talking. but never fails to bring joy. someone who's genuine and loving. really glad to have you as a friend.
sui hui a.k.a chio bu: epitome of sweetness. chio. really nice to joke with. patient and quiet. really nice to stand next to you during the performance. hope to get to stand with you again!
christina: always quarelling with me. but someone who can really converse very well. cute and funny. makes me smile!
kor: could write a whole essay about how much he rocks. haha. shuai. super shuai. very crappy but funny. very encouraging and protective. always teaching me stuff. thanks for always being there.
feel as if i'm writing testimonials for everybody. okok. i shall stop here. still got a LOT of people to write for. but. hmm. ahah. shall stop. whee. i love everybody!! thanks for everything.
in christ alone will i glory
though i could pride myself in battles won
for i've been blessed beyong measure
and only by his grace i overcome
oh, i could stop and count successes
like diamonds in my hand
but those trophies could not equal
to the grace
by which i stand
in christ alone
i place my trust
and find my glory in the power of the cross
in every victory
let it be said of me
my source of strength
my source of hope is christ alone
in christ alone will i glory
for only by his grace i am redeemed
and only his tender mercy
can reach beyond my weakness to my need
oh, i seek no greater honour
than just to know him more
and to count my gains but losses
in the glory of the lord
-in christ alone-
this song means soooo much to me. woah. i love it. =) can't wait for next week. can't wait for this week to end. then exams would be over. ok. gtg. ciao.
p.s. lori rocks. she bought us CHOCOLATE to encourage us to study. whee. haha. thank you loads!!!!!!
so they said.
i'm back. so dumb. just went to fiddle with my phone realised i had some more to blog. haha.
love the reassurance you give me. not the reason. as in. i love it when you reassure me. then i know someone's there. someone actually cares. the gap's there though. just being there won't close it. don't know what will. don't know if i even want to. i'm sitting on the fence and the wind's blowing me in both directions.. wish you could tell me what to do and why. wish you could you read my mind. and not me reading yours. then you'd understand. then i can love it again when you reassure me. know what.
i just love you.
man i wish i could turn back the hands of time [r kelly starts singing] i really do. i wish i could go back and when i'm there with you, everything would just freeze and never move again. i miss the time we used to have. but it's gone. prolly forever. "hugging you and never letting go"
exposed. see. those getting the wrong idea will never understand. haha. :D
alrighty. stop thinking. stop looking back.
"never look back they say, how was i supposed to know i'd miss you so"
#i can hear your thoughts, listen to mine#
so they said.
I'm not a perfect person
As many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you
I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
Thats why i need you to hear
I've found a resaon for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is You [x4]
I'm not a perfect person
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you
I've found a reason to show
A side of me you didn't know
A reason for all that I do
And the reason is you
-the reason-
hooba stank.
sigh.
hm. nice song. stubborness and stupidity. don't understand why i want to be dragged along. why i want to be a burden to others. bleagh. how i stoop so low just to get it. why i do it. even i'm not clear.
broke up. that was fast. less than 2 months. ok. knowing you you're going to take a damn long time to get over her. and you'll take forever to decide to wait for her or not.
liew.
so long. ok. so i guess it's a good break from everything that happened eh. the normal you. running away too.
yay. get to go to church today. only if i study. damnit. i don't want to study anymore!? ergh. went for dinner with my gramma, great gramma and grand aunt. yum. my favourite. haha. :D charlsey and i wanted to walk back. but he was sooooo lazy. he got onto the car halfway. cos my parents came to pick us up. almost got scolded for jaywalking. ergh. so naggy. talked until we reached home which is at least a whole 3 mins. piggy. nag and nag and nag. study.. blahdeeblah. bleagh. haha. we had a sleepover. charles slept in my room. so fun. we were talking about who likes who. aiyo. his batch ah.. haha. a bit the slow. but nia mind. we went through the crush stage in p6 too. but my bro is self-obsessed man. haha. he kept talking about himself. irritating. haha. :D man. my batch guys are shooting up. i bet even nat's taller than me now. ergh. haha. matt used to be one head shorter than me. now he's one head taller than me. damnit. haha. nia mind. shorter can find more more boyfriend eh. haha. and short guys are usually good looking so if i'm even shorter than short guys isn't that great! muahaha. :D
nuts. whee. i'm in a fairly good mood today. yay. :D i slept with the radio next to my head. luckily i didn't whack it in the middle of the night. i didn't really have a great sleep though. hm. smsing until midnight. my bro wanted to rattle on me. stupid boy. just realised that i haven't done that in such a long time. used to sms until 2am? talk on the phone for like hours. haha. holidays. my mum's going to blow. haha. aiyah. prolly not. i remember once i talked on the phone from morning until afternoon. just lay on my bed and talked and talked and talked. nuts. haha. :D
yeah. have i mentioned i'm going to kill myself after exams. as in. not commit suicide. no need after exams to do that man. but. yeah. i'm not going to take my life. no. no. no. no. right. whatever. uh huh. i'm going to train like a mad dog. i better lose weight in the process. i'm going to train tennis and squash. think i'm going to play squash twice a day everyday. then tennis. whee. so fun. badminton anyone? haha. think my mum would scream at me. haha. :D
omg. my mum actually complimented me yesterday. and my mum doesn't compliment. well. not me at least. always does my bro. but hm. not comparing. i'm just glad she complimented me yesterday. for once. she said i had a beautiful backhand. haha. so what. i'm just glad it's a compliment. haha. whee. mhy backhand's better than my forehand. in tennis. but squash. you want nice precise shots like smashes. it's all my backhand too. but. don't know why. it seems lousy. whee. ok. going to train like siao. hope to lose weight. i better go running too. training up for my 2 comps in june. doubt i'll win anything but yeah. just wanna play my best huh. and sigh. just train cos i love the sport.
alrighty. i better go and do my favourite. study. whee. can't wait for ypg!! yay. :D
hm. something wrong with my tagboard.
so they said.
Friday, May 07, 2004
enlightened. woah. i didn't understand until now know. shit. NO WONDER she was so pissed. ah. bloody mouth of mine. argh.
sigh. i'm just finding more and more reasons to hate myself. and if even i can 't live with myself. how are other's going to live me? bet the whole worlds going to hate me. shit lah. i hate camille. i really do. why do i have to learn the hard way always. i'm super pissed with myself after reading what i wrote. ARGH. i'll never understand why i'm so idiotic. shit lah. gone lah. ARGH. man. i hate myself. stupid tongue. stupid tongue. i think i was born with a cursed tongue.
the fine line between straightforward/blunt/tactless. man. that sucks. i suck.
it happened again today. man. i'm really very very pissed with myself. how could i be so stupid. man. man. man. man. man. man. ARGH. the more i hate myself the more i want to do stuff. ergh. ***********************************h i think i'm really super b*tchy. really.
i swear i didn't geddit until i read that entry. man. i totally forgot i wrote that. SHIT!? it's totally gone lah. i totally blew it. argh. TOTALLY. no point in apologising already lor. sorry no cure. aiyah. i really don't know what to do now. i don't. ARGH. i don't know what to say i don't know what to do. i don't know who to go to. there's no one now. i just screwed everything.
thou shalt not sweareth.
ok. i better go cool down. i'm not pissed. i'm just super pissed. with myself not with anybody. sigh. we can't tame the tongue. but we can guard it... i'm such a lousy guarder. i'm such a lousy everything. ergh.
why did i have to do that. i'll never forgive myself. shit. shit. shit you cam. ugh. the thought of me just disgusts me know. seriously. wonder how my family puts up with such a b*tch at home. ergh. hm.
STOP SWEARING. you're not guarding your tongue by swearing. ok. i'm going to stop saying the f-word. man. i better stop saying it. sigh.
zhi hui: i don't wonder why you're angry. i'm still sorry. i guess my sorries will never suffice, nor will it make up for what i said. honestly. i don't know what to do now. and i'm really sorry, i just blew up when i read that entry of yours cos i thought you were scolding me. hinting to me.. kinda thing. don't know how to describe but i know i didn't like it when i read it. yeah. i'm sorry. i didn't mean to. haiz. my bad. argh. i'm really sorry. i really am. will i ever be able to make it up to you? or not. hm. i guess not. sorry.
sorry.
so they said.
Thursday, May 06, 2004
man. i've cooled down. sigh. whee. now i'm super hyper. blaaaaaaaaaaah. haha. :D yeah. went to play tennis just now with my mum and bro. haha. my bro's good. hope he takes up tennis. haha. must have a bit more variety. not both of us play squash. a bit boring. aiyo. the only thing is he runs too slow. bleagh. so sad. he became fat and lost his speed. used to be fast leh he. haha. :D know what. i haven't stopped eating since 7 and it's 9 now. haha. fatness. who cares. i exercised so much today. i was feeding both of them. ahah. but my tennis compared to my squash really REALLY sucks. haha. i can't even drop properly. i need walls. haha. i hit 2 balls out of the court today. hehez. :S
ooh. i made a dedication! hope it gets read out. doubt it will. today 2 friends of mine called in, and another one just smsed. but she's a sec2 scgs girl. hello it could have been me. i bet my friends think it's me. but know what i did!? i think i'm super donggong. aiyo. i smsed jamie. and i didn't even type her name so obviously it wouldn't even get to her right. liew. going to kena suaned when i go to school 2mr. i think i'm done studying. can't be bothered to study anymore. tomorrow morning go and cram lor..
oh my brother and i arh. know the humoungous bottle of apple aloe vera. we can finish it in one night. hahahahahha. both of us can just keep on drinking and drinking. and i just drank a bottle this morning. and now i'm eating black forest. mmmm. chocolates. sinful. who cares.
after tomorrow i'll be happy. i hope. sigh. today started well. became bad and is really good now. haha. i'm proud to say that i've matured! whoo. :D haha. as in sportswise. haha. i used to be a SUPER bad loser. now no more liaoh. i rarely throw my temper in court now too. :D yay.
deedum. i'm really bored. ok i shall go back to study. haha. :S still hasn't read out my dedication. so sad. haiz. ok. nvm. after exams i'm going to call in. i don't care. i'll keep redialling like 10 million times. why we do this? i don't know. it's just fun. aha.
this is the millionth time their playing solitaire by clay aiken. his voice used to melt me. now it doesn't it just blows me away. there IS a difference man. aiyo. i've got blisters everywhere. sigh. my thumb also has. stupid tennis racket with lousy yellow grip. haha. :D my feet hurt too. and i ruined yet another pair of shoes.. see how much i run hhahahaha. whatever man. i never want to part with my squash shoes. i totally love em. they rock. they've been with me since last year man. but they're super black. but i play so much.. hehe.
land reclamation. sigh. stupid geog. i bet i'm going to screw that too. sigh. ok. shan't talk about school i seriously can't wait for training to start again. i'm going to go full steam during the holidays. hm. got 2 comps. bleagh. doubt i'll win anything, but it's just for the experience i guess. yeah. hope i can go for junior camp. i really wanna help out. but then we can't stay over cos there's no space. so we have to go home and come back everyday. omg. i think i'm going to die. can we like stay over at someone's house. actually i don't mind camping at the mama shop next door. the aunty knows me! haha :D then we'll have sufficient food. i think my hols are going to be really busy man. whee. whatever it is. i just can't wait until wednesday. we're going out. whee. don't know to where.
great. the weekend is coming. such a short time. yet. nothing's happening. don't want anything to happen? ok. fine. can't wait for choir and chimes to come back. i missed them sooooooo much. haiz. whee. exams. stupid exams. blah. okok. this morning was super hyper thanks to andrea and aunty angeline. aiyo. i was trying to hard not to laugh. then when we, the prefects, were sitting at our normal place dajie and i were laughing like crazy when everybody was studying. liew. i hate her. she's the only person on earth i cannot study with. i can even study with rachel and becky. it's just her. we just end up laughing like mad whenever we study. hahahaha. but this morning was really funny. we were laughing cos i heard nat saying that her hair grows whenever she's stressed. so we were laughing like siao. cos of the term "funny reactions" it's an inside joke lah. between both of us. that time she was at my house painting our stupid house which we threw away. haha. yeah. then i needed to pee. and we were talking about me having funny reactions when i pee. liew.. the things we talk about huh. ahha. we talk about condoms in school lah. talk about masturbating. crack jokes about these stuff. not me lah. i crack clean jokes. my friends tell the dirty jokes. aiyo. but it's really SICK. lah. hahahaha. scgs man. aiyo. know what. i think it's just my clique. ahhahahaha. that day my friend told me a joke i was going so sick so sick and screaming when it wasn't even supposed to be what i was thinking. haha. aiyo. so sick lah. hahhah. ok i'm sorry. my friends polluted my mind. whee. yeah. have i said before? can't remember. we were talking about tissue paper brands and i said yah! kotex is nice to use. what the heck. i didn't hear the end of it that day. erm. yeah. kotex is a sanitary pad brand. kleenex is tissue paper brand. hm. reminding myself that. yeah. haha. aiyo. and i complain my friends call me stupid. sigh. haha.
omg i think i ate too much. feel like vomiting. whee. i'm super hyper. just that i can't laugh cos there ain't anybody to laugh with. nothing to laugh about. whee. i think i better make it a promise. cos i've learnt to keep my promises. whee. stop.
so they said.
thou shalt not sweareth. grits teeth
OMG. I SWEAR I MUST BE THE MOST PISSED PERSON ON EARTH. TELL ME WHAT'S THE POINT. WHAT'S THE STUPID POINT IN STUDYING IF I'M JUST GOING TO FLUNK EVERYTHING. MY RESULTS DON'T GLORIFY GOD AT ALL. SO WHAT AM I DOING!? I'M DAMN F-OFFED. THOU SHALT NOT SWEARETH! ERGH. OK. FINE. MAN. I'M FREAKING PISSED. I HATE SCIENCE. SUPPOSEDLY MY BEST SUBJECT. KNOW WHAT I THINK I SHOULD JUST FLUNK ALL MY PAPERS THEN I CAN GO TO SINGLE SCIENCE CLASS AND TOTALLY SCREW MY WHOLE LIFE IN ONE DAY. I'M SURE I'M CAPAPBLE OF DOING THAT. NOT THAT SINGLE SCIENCE WILL SCREW ANYBODY'S LIFE UP. IT'S JUST THAT I WANT TO BE A BIOLOGIST. SO IF I TAKE SINGLE SCIENCE. IT WILL SCREW MY LIFE UP. I THINK I DON'T GO JC. WHY DON'T I JUST BECOME A ROAD SWEEPER. WAIT. NO. I'LL END UP IN WOODBRIDGE BEFORE I DO ANYTHING. HM. THOUGHT I'M SUPPOSED TO MARRY A RICH HUSBAND AND LAZE AROUND AT HOME. THEN WHY THE HECK AM I STUDYING? WHY THE HECK AM I EVEN TRYING IF I'M JUST GOING TO DISAPPOINT GOD AND MY PARENTS. TELL ME WHY!? I'M A DISAPPOINTMENT IN EVERYTHING
I'M SO DAMN USELESS. AH!? I FEEL LIKE PLAYING SQUASH AND NEVER EVER EVER COMING OUT OF THE COURTS. THEN I WOULDN'T HAVE TO FACE EVERYBODY'S DISAPPOINTMENT WOULD I. I WOULDN'T HAVE TO BE DRIVEN INSANE BY THE PRESSURE AND STRESS.
yet. God hasn't given up on me. why are you giving up on yourself. Lord, please. don't ever ever ever ever let me go. i've only got You. just You. there's nobody there no more. everyone's disappearing. Father. don't give up on me either. You're the one keeping me sane. if even You give up on me. what am i supposed to do. no one believes in me no more. i'm sorry i'm just a huge disappointment. i really am so sorry i'm such a loser. Lord, give me a reason. why can't You be a good enough reason for me? "why do i keep on asking why." sigh.
"you're the only reason i'm trying" Lord, why can't that you be You? sigh. i thought that shook me up enough. obviously not. why do i even try? i give up. i cannot be bothered to study anymore. i HATE school. i hate the competition in school. ESPECIALLY in my class. like what competition. i've got to be the stupidest person in class. what the heck. no use competing right. you can't even get to top 20. why must you be SO stupid. you're getting everything wrong. stupid camille. you're such an idiot. why are you even in this class. you don't even deserve to be in the last class. i bet you're the stupidest girl in the whole entire school.
ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH.
what am i supposed to do to make it up to you? you said you'd make it up. you wanted to. you'd just make things worse. don't make it up. i don't want anybody to care no more. i'm sick of hurting people. i'm sick of worrying people. just stay. i'll be there. i'm pushing you away. you're not budging. i don't know whether to thank you for letting me vent and being my punching bag. or are you just angering me even more. trying to tell you to get out of my life. i don't know. i'm sick of this emotion-driven world. love or hate pick one.
i guess this is where my faith steps in. ain't it. why can't i run away? i rather run away. if i just ran and ran and never stopped won't i just be sooo fit. i hate this sense of ... don't know what. insecurity? depression? half way to mental illness? sigh. at least i'm not as angry as i was 5 mins ago. thanks God.
"peace.." john 14:27.
so they said.
Wednesday, May 05, 2004
never thought i'd appreciate squash so much. love squash. loveit. it's like my third home. not squash. squash court downstairs. almost any squash court. it's just the walls. they keep everything out. when i close the door behind me. the only thing in the court is me, the walls and the ball. even when i try to think of my problems they disappear within 2 seconds. the only thing i think about is which part the ball hit my racket. what was wrong with the angle, why i wasn't able to execute the shot, what do i hit next. how to improve. how to hit harder. yeah. i hit super hard when i'm angry. ahah. it's just normal. just whack when i'm in a bad mood though i'm not thinking about the problem. didn't hit very hard today though. ooh. by the end of june. i must learn how to do volley boast. improve my backhand. slice crossdrop perfected. slice drop the ball from the back. smash drop. yeah. comp's drawing nearer. ahah. bleagh.
"i don't know what worth's fighting for... i don't know why i instigate and say what i don't mean... so i'm breaking the habit" lovely song. though i don't understand. they just sound nice. was playing the piano just now. playing "Thank you Lord" sigh. ultimate song. makes me think about asking the Lord to "give me this mountain" sigh. i still can't say that. i don't want the mountain. i don't know if i can take it or not. but i don't want it. i don't. sigh.
got scolded for swearing just now. cos i said that the chocolate was "bloody expensive" then i was echoing the actor on tv saying "ta ma de" and i got scolded again. hahahahah. okokokok. sorry.
"say it isn't so, tell me you're not leaving. say you've changed your mind now, and i'm on ly dreaming. this is not goodbye, this is starting over, if you wanna know i don't wanna let go, say it isn't so" love this song. haha. suddenly all the nice songs are on. woah. haha. :D done studying science. or that i can be bothered to study. need to blog. ok. he's repeating the chorus. *sings* -glass cracks-
hm. my past time. running away from reality. playing squash usually is my excuse of running away from reality. cos there i'm so free. i'm so alone. all my problems just desert me in the court. sigh. in my room is where everything stares me in the face. as much as i hate thinking about them. they don't care. they just plop down next to me. ergh. i agree cutting is running away from reality. thanks. i really needed that hard knock. i believed that it helped. i really believed it did. man. that was scary. omg. WHERE IS THE LOVE! whee. what's with the ooba nice songs man. haha. :D yay. sigh. i guess it's easier to run? i hate facing everything. i really. the truth REALLY REALLY hurts. i know. been through it how many million times.
"children hurting, hear them crying do you practise what you preach" do you practise what you preach. sigh.
zhi hui: i'm sorry. it's not that i didn't want to tell you. i did want to tell you. i swear. i wanted to tell you. but then i wasn't sure if jem wanted other people to know not just you, it's just that i wanted to tell you, but wasn't sure whether i could. when i asked him whether you knew, he said no. and yeah. about you not keeping secrets. yeah. i'm sorry. i guess the way i phrased what i said really stinks. ah............ i bet you're not even going to bother no more. k fine. but i really don't want this dao buisness to go about again. i'll just end up avoiding you every time i'm in church. yeah. i know you can keep secrets. sigh. me doing this is useless isn't it? haiz. please.. don't like that can. i'm begging you. take me out from my misery. i hate it when you talk like that, not just you. but when people talk like that. what am i supposed to do to make it up to you? i don't even dare call you jie now. :S please. i'm really sorry. i think i've said that too many times. but what else can i say? i still owe you a humoungous apology, but it's no use if you're not going to accept it. sigh.
sigh. sigh. sigh. i'm sorry. i hate this feeling. thou shalt not sweareth. thou shalt not sweareth. thou shalt not sweareth. i think i just should have another commandment. thou shalt not talketh. this is not the first time. my ***** mouth got me in deep ****. how many times already. how many more times!? ergh. hate this feeling. hate it hate it hate it. cam, why the heck are you so idiotic. seriously retarded. God? why did you make me this stupid? i'm still trying to figure out why i'm so stupid. i'm not complaining. i'm just trying to put my stupidity in place. sigh. stupid compared to everybody in class. questioning God. ANOTHER act of stupidity and distrust.
ARGH.
the reason i needed you was cos i knew i was starting to screw my life up. and now. like this. i'm just getting in deeper. i rather run away from reality if that's the case. "it's easier to run, replacing this pain with something long(how bout sharp?)" sigh. thought that woke me up. but unfortunately it hasn't. how now. no one to turn to. camille. you've gone to church for 14 years and you say you've got no one to turn to. omg. go and die. k sure. don't mind. but after exams can. cannot do halfway.
i should stop talking to myself. i think one day i'll freak someone out. like totally. haha. yeah. i agree too. evanescence "i'm so tired of being here" woo. nice. "these wounds don't seem to heal... there's just too much that time cannot erase" they're satanic right? but i looove they're music. sigh.
talk about stingy. so little aloe vera in my drink. muahaha. ok. fine. found it. all at the bottom. hehez. :S "when you scream, i fight off all your fears. i held your hand through all these years" hey. isn't that God's job?
He's been the only one there like forever. man. that hit me hard. cam, don't cry. cam, don't cry. cam, don't cry. noooooooooooooo. unfathomable love.
'this is love
this is how it's meant to be
i am loved
and this love will set me free
this is love
this is heaven's mystery
not that i would love you first
but You who first loved me'
love this song. and this love will set me free. free from sin. free from all the pain. truly heaven's mystery. Lord, there's nothing for You to love me. i don't make nobody smile. i don't even make the One who loves me smile.
"everytime i try to fly i fall
without my wings i feel so small
i guess i need you baby
everytime i see you in my dreams
i see your face your haunting me
i guess i need you baby"
nice emotional song. emotional-driven world. therefore i need to be grounded in the Lord's word and love that i won't be swept away by emotions which is of the world. jojo, i'll join you in being a nun. move over. make space. i have SOOO much to learn. argh. sigh. where's the determination. where's the motivation.
better go. sigh. i could just go on forever.
i'm sorry.
so they said.
shit.
so they said.
ooh. evanescence. haha. ok. i forgot to say
prince's complexion is so good i hate it. haha. :D
k. want to but don't dare.
so they said.
what the heck
hm. ok. today was lit. ahah. should be able to pass. never knew i was THAT deep. i think what comes out of my mouth makes crap sound good. hm. haha. :D that makes jojo and sawah sound good. whaaat. ok. mum's home. damnit. who cares. my bro's sucking up to her right now. and she's going to come in to ask me to study.
eh cool. she didn't. but. liew.. she keeps walking pass my room. cutting off my stupid internet connection. liew.. super pissing. haiyo. lousy wireless. haha. i don't care. i AM going to play squash today. aiyah. tomorrow's science. science. should not screw the WHOLE paper. just the physics part. i think i'll never pass physics when i take it next time. bleagh. whee. the weekend is coming. that means more than half way through my papers. hm. i've got 6 more papers. and i should stop talking about exams.
oh. i wrote in my diary yesterday. i haven't written in it since don't know when. haha. :D not very long.. i think beginning of this year. cos. i still remember that sms. reading my diary freaks me out. grosses me out. makes me remember stuff. memories just flood back. last year december was scary. cos of that incident. totally freaked me out. reading IT reminded me of how i don't want it to happen again. nono. don't want.
CHARLES! STOP RUNNING AROUND BUTT NAKED. aiyo. my brother is what. p6. runs around the house naked. haha. i USED to do that. now. i don't. now i run around in a bra? hahahahahahaha. whatever. joking lah. but it's gross to see charlsey's fats dangling and bulging everywhere. ahhaha. i'm so mean. guess mine's worse. bleagh. okok. dumdeedum. today the principal did something funny. she tried talking into the mikestand. not the mike the mikestand. cos i already took off the mike. and she was like leaning towards it. i swear if i weren't infront of the whole school i'd be on the floor crying. it really was SUPER funny man. aiyo!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.even i won't do that. maybe i would. but nah. i won't. ok. my brother's tuition teacher is here. i thought it was my father. but it isn't. i used to be tutored under her. but i happily quit. why? cos i used to fall asleep in her lesson. hahha. aiyo. now i don't have tuition. and i'm happily trying to pass chinese. haha.
whatever. what's wrong with me. what's right with me. know what. i don't know whether to care or not to care. aiyo. i don't know whether to laugh or be pissed.
i know that the kidney produces bile which emulsifies fats. and the pancreas produces all the acids needed for digestion of fats, proteins and carbohydrates. lipase, protease.. and what's the last one. damn. erm.. ok. heck. amino acids.. colour. red. ORANGE. yellow. green. blue. indigo. violet. spectrum of colours. sound. vibration. frequency. plane mirrors. image. refraction. reflection. prisms. ok. i'm revising my science. ahah. yeah. beter go.
DEVIATING.
so they said.
Tuesday, May 04, 2004
-missing the way things used to be-
whee. i've been on the computer for such a long time. but i forgot to blog. haha. was doing up our other blog. uh huh. nice! ok. yeah. one word to describe today's exams.
shit.
i'm so dead. haha. seriously. i totally screwed up my compo. my friends were laughing like siao at my story. eh you. i HATE it when you give me that face. swear i would slap it. it's really quite irritating. i was just trying to cheer you guys up since you were so depressed after history. ergh. stop it can. seriously. it gets on my nerves. hm. twice lor. sick.
tomorrow's lit. woah. die. haha. confirm die liaoh. please. it'll take a miracle for me to pass my lit. ok. cam, if you wanna play squash. you better study. k fine. give me 10 mins. blog first. then go and study. okok.
yeah. why am i like the only one on earth who's watched the johnson and johnson's advertisement. i love it! i think it's soooo cute.
"you used to go for the tall dark and handsome types, who would have thought the love of your life would be short and bald"
ahhhhhh. i lOOOOOVE it. haha. it's so cute. but nobody has seemed to seen it except me. :S bleagh. haha. :D
ooh. love watching nice music vidoes with nice dance moves. like. yeah by usher. me against the music by britney. SUPER nice dance moves. yeah. and a*teens forever nice dance moves. they got new song? i promise you? i also don't know. i just saw it just now.. ooh! was watching rollie pollie ollie just now! woosh. ok. i better go and study now. humph.
was able to focus today. thank God. :D so far not distracted. hmm. 7 papers left to go. and i thought it was going to distract me. heng ah.
so they said.
Monday, May 03, 2004
jie: sigh. can't tell you what happened. i don't hink i'm supposed to. know that they weren't supposed to be discovered? just that that day you all saw them at his house. and yeah. news spread like fire.. so hm .yeah. he said. can't remember but what he said. but sounded like.. not very nice liddat. about how he didn't expect people to see her at his house and then the whole bethany knew.. something. uh huh. if he wanted to tell you what's going on then i think he'd tell you himself. don't go ask him though. you can ask him if he allows me to tell you. cos i REALLY really need to scream. and i can't scream at him.. ah. budden you cannot tell anybody. -frowns- humph. hahaha. :D ok. yeah.
woah. today rocked. only lesson we had was science. mrs tsoi-l so extra for what.. should just have given us a free period. muahaha. stupid dajie. we were talking and getting the whole 2 periods after recess. cos yeah. we were telling each other jokes. i LOOOOVE the potato joke. reminds me of potato. but that's sad lah. haha.
ok. whatever. haha. so that you wouldn't have to apologise for ignoring me. i think i'm so intelligent. i better cram like siao later.. tomorrow's history. going to die.. just hope i pass. OH! i've got english tomorrow too. muahaha. i totally forgot. english paper one. damnit. i only end school at 1215. chey. so late. hmm. know what. i totally canNOT wait for friday. all the difficult papers will be done with. well hcl not so much stress. cos. yeah. confirm die. ahahz. sigh.
off limits. not that it'll make a difference. but nvm. yeah. hm. just don't. suddenly i regret opening up. i regret telling you everything. why did i have to. proof of my stupidity and suckerness. but i can't since you're not. aiyo. i think i'm DAMN -slap- stupid. i'm just being dragged and dragged. idiot. sigh. dumdeedum. haiyo. stop showing off you're driving skills. ew. that sounded gross.
stupid printer. what the heck's wrong with you!?
ok yeah. hm. must focus. i think this totally bleaghed.
ow. got tummy ache. stupid tummy. haiyo. shit. i've got a LOT to study. but i wanna play squash too. ok. fine can't play today then. ergh. stupid school. stupid exams.
back to the topic. hm. i guess telling someone helped. but. i didn't do it for the pass 2 months. suddenly everything came out. in one day. and now it's gone again. what the heck. no lor. i shouldn't have. made it worse. you did talk sense into me though. hate it when people talk sense into me. cos. argh. don't know why. but the truth hurts. what i don't know won't hurt me. sigh. and. seriously. i think i'll go to woodbridge before i'm 30. but now that i've told myself that. i don't think i'll go there THAT soon. but if i didn't tell you. i swear i would have gone there.
wishes. i hate them. they never do come true. never do. i think mr star really doesn't exist. another figment of my imagination. imagination. sigh.
whee. today dajie and i were talking about love. i was like i wanna fall in love! and we were talking about getting married, having boyfriends, love and how it hurts, the reasons causing me not wanting to fall in love. i think i've still got a hollywood interpretation of love. woah. wish it was true. whatever. stop wishing. well. guess why people say i'm too young. uh huh. but even adults can't handle it. hello..! some kinda example. dumdeedum. can people tell whether they're infatuated or in love? feel like calling in to doctor love. haha. but hm. don't think he'll pick up the phone.
ooh! we played tennis today. stupid san-jie. super good lah. hate her. hit so hard for what. i know you don't like me.. don't have to kill me right. aiyo. trying to whack me with the HARD ball izzit. the squash ball is softer.. but faster. haha. i don't wonder why i couldn't be bothered to go for tennis tryouts last year. omg. should watch me playing. haha. i'm just screaming the whole time. and squatting in the middle of the court hoping that becky gets the ball over the net so she won't hit me. haha. but hey. i can actually hit the ball k! haha. super surprised. but i'm running like a mad dog 3/4 of the time. the other 1/4 i'm screaming, laughing, panting and picking up the ball. haha. becky and i were playing against her. haha. lousers lah both of us.. but becky used to be tenniser last time.. not bad.. still has it in her. i went for what lessons? 4 times. then i quit. couldn't be bothered. can hit the ball liaohx. without lessons also can hit ball lah please. haha. ANYbody can hit the ball. haha. eh. don't underestimate me can. haha. i know i'm donggong but still. sports is my love. haha. nope. just squash. nope. just racket games. whee. i'm talking crap.
whee. hate muscles. used to love them.. now. everything's oversized. SUPER gross. ergh. haha. everybody's like. i look so weird cos i'm so small yet my arms are so big.. the only muscles i like is my forearm and my calves. haha. calf solid man.. muahaha. ego. sorry. ok. dumdeedum. my future as a prefect looks really bleak. haha. sigh. i think the head prefect hates me. but yeah.. who cares.. i'm super scared of her.. she's so freaking fierce. worse than some teachers. aiyo. ahah. :D anyway. yeah. better go and study.
-prays-
wish me luck for the next 9 days. hope i don't die.. :S
so they said.
Sunday, May 02, 2004
perfect timing
no no
not your fault
wanna be there for you
really do
ouch.
ouch.
ouch.
seriously
didn't realise love is so painful
or is love just wrong?
why give up so much
why choose to suffer so much
don't think i'll make you feel any better
think i'm just bothering you
irritating you
sorry
hate to see you like this
talk about super pain.
ouch.
ok yeah.
i aleready made my statement about pain
it's not true
i know it's not true
why don't you want to understand
why must you give in
why must you love so much
why are you so selfish
sorry.
didn't mean to insult
supposedly future -----
would like to know you
wouldn't like to know you
i don't know you
but why
bringing so much pleasure
causing so much pain
more and more reasons
for me not wanting to fall in love
then again
this ain't about me
but wow
i didn't think
well -----
do you even deserve
to be my -----
if i could i would
the only reason
is cos of you
please if you do
spare him this
i beg you
i beg you
i beg you
helpless
really helpless
can't take it lying down
but what can i do standing up
don't want to ruin anything
won't break your heart again
but who gives a damn about me
don't break his heart
don't
don't
fragile heart
ok. now i'm officially 'bleaghed'. doing it conciously. ok. forget it then. gone you know. totally blew it. so WHAT if you're sorry.i thought i forgave you. forgiven. grace. grace. grace. GRACE. sigh. ergh. -kicks wall- hahaha. ok. no. i didn't really do that. why am i getting angry over THIS? why can't you act as if nothing's wrong. "you don't give a damn about me." yes yes. safety net. loving safety net. yes. ok.
right. i bet everybody knows what i'm talking about. hm. but i don't care who knows who doesn't. just needa vent.
so they said.
hope you'll feel better. hope you're feeling better. hope i can make you feel better. sigh.
so they said.
pardon the vulgarities. i think i should make not swearing a commandment. bleagh.
unfrozen. still haven't. shouldn't i guess. me to be a good friend. someone to fall back on? who cares if i'm just the safety net. people are my safety net too. but.. they're still my good friends even though they're my safety net. i guess that's the difference. but. hm. people need me! mwahahaha. ok. whatever.
didn't want to. knowing me too well. told already. funny. erm. right. totally changed my impression. but you said no. a lot of things already made me change it. but somehow i'm still looking through the same eyes. omg. super long letter sia. tempted to tear it up. but. nah. shall practise kindness. yeah. i understand. duh i understand. how can i not. sigh. seriously. so what if you don't give a damn. i do. not kaypoh. it's just.... i guess. anyway. change. seems the same. but i guess not if you say so. actually. yeah. knew it though. think i KNEW you too well too. hm. but you're becoming more like a stranger more now than ever. it's scary. i guess you're right. it won't suffice. but. why won't i. you didn't cos. now i am for the same reason. the usage of the word even. hm. ok. nvm. woah. this sucks know. looking where we're heading. this torment ain't ever going to end izzit. sigh. i feel as if i'm tied to the back of a moving car going at 100 km/h being dragged on the ground.
hope jojo came back safely.
hahaha. today rach and i were the only ones. sawah was pmsing? what the heck. whatever lor. hahahaha. ok..... dumdeedum. yeah. ok. and we were laughing so much today. aiyo. i think both of us are really gongdongs. hahahahaha. two peas in a pod. the results of knowing each other way too long. pastor totally embarrassed me. sigh. and announced that i didn't go for teen's worship. i think next time. i'll laugh like siao outside. then 10.28 i'll come in. and sit right at the back. mum wants me to go for teen's worship. but yeah. we've kinda decided that we'll alternate every month.. uh huh. i think we all share the same sentiments. service's messages are really more impactful. -quotes rachel- but yeah. i wouldn't describe it as more impactful. i don't know how i'd describe it. but i prefer morning service. but yeah. they did specially create teen's worship for us. so i guess i better go for that too huh. i still remember how crazy and excited i was when teen's worship first started. hahahhahaha. i was passing electric currents down the whole row. hahahahaah. ok. i'm sorry. i was unintentionally proving my stupidity. ooh! hahah. today was SUPER funny. i think rach and i are like-minded. simple-minded. hahaha. i'm sorry rach. okok. rach's the smarter one..
whee. cos today min asked rachel to get her vip musician's copy then yeah, she dragged me along. and so we took the bubble lift up. and the lift opened. they were having class. big oops. OOPS. wah lao cam, that was SUPER lame lah. irritating. ok. yeah. then. hahaha. we were like crap! sorry! sorry! sorry! sorry! then both of us were frantically pressing the door close buttons on both sides. yup. then the stupid "woman of the lift" kept saying 'door opening' 'door opening' what the heck.. hahaha. we were laughing like siao.. i think math principles. negative+negative=positive so yeah. the door opened. hahaha. i think it was me pressing the door open. intelligence level ah.. hm. 0 man. it's not very funny to the reader. but it really was very funny to me and her. whee. hahaha. yup. and then sent rach home (mr policeman, we were wearing seatbelts) and when we reached her house. she happily unbuckled MY seatbelt. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. aiyo.. i think both of us were crying. and my brother and mother in front were like.. aiyo. both of you arh. hahahaha. omg. funniness.
see. intelligence level of rach 5. haha. kam. 0. haha. oh. yeah. edwin was talking to us. rach and me. bout jon in the police. then talking about a lot of malays in the police.and i said. YAH. aaron aziz. -.-' ok. i'm sorry. but. yeah. proof that i'm super straight. cute guys fill my mind. :D haha. i think he's really cute. haha. -screams- ok. yeah.
man. i'm having a really bad tummy ache. shit. haha. so corny. need to shit.
sigh. having those stupid feelings of not wanting to go to kl for the comp. but i know if i don't go i'll get killed and i'll totally regret it. so i'll just drag myself there and miss church. sigh.
woah. xin tong. really really really really really really really really xin tong. crying for you.
so they said.
