Saturday, July 24, 2004
whee. i don't know what i did to my comp. not mine. my father's comp yeah. but now i can be online!! woohoo. haha. hope it's not like illegal or something. don't think it is. ahah. yeah.
i went through the exact same thing. i've got it just as tough this year. but yeah. press on babe. really. press on. t chung han really encouraged me. go "get" a mentor. mentors rock. they're the most encouraging people on earth.
people are actually so nice. :D yeah. haha. anyway. can you tell that i don't care anymore. seriously. i don't care. and stop annoying me. i'm feeling so evil. i'm pmsing right now. i can feel it. deedum.
tried choir costume thingy today. it rocks lah. but it really feels very insecure not wearing anything inside. and it felt as if it was going to drop any moment. no fair. please t ai leen. don't take my orange away from me. ahh. nooo. i don't care. i'll change to an m if you don't lemme have orange. i'll just put on weight now. humph. ahhh. pleeeease. :'( why red. so close yet so far.
shall blog bout the other more important stuff tomorrow. right. shall just go now. ooh. yeah. i saw my cousin's fiance today. haha. he's so sweet to her. and she keeps bullying him. i promise i'll try my best not to bully my four husbands next time.
take care uncle. :D flirt. ahaha. grinns. yeah. gtg sleep too. nights.
so they said.
my gawsh. i can't believe myself lah. i'm like playing at barbie. com. -jaw drops- can't believe it. hahahahah. this is sooo opposite me. but. it's quite fun. dressing up dolls and stuff. haha. proves that i have absolutely no fashion sense can. haha. whee. my dada's back!
you're gone. ahah. i finally got my priorities right. whee. think you should too.
man. sad. sigh.
whee. last night was so fun. went to watch pl concert with min! haha. instead we sat with sam cos ame and angela didn't go. ahah. i'm obsessed with the camel. ahhh. i looove the clown! she was SUPER funny and good. my ou xiang!!! ahhh. ahha. :D and there was this dementor looking thing in the show. min said it was from passion. my goodness. i was SOOO freaked out. and both of them were trying to scare me. ahh. lucius. gives me the creeps. i'll cry if she stood in front of me. really.. haha. i don't like these evil thingys though they're not real. they still freak me out lah. thank goodness "He who is in you, is greater than he who is in the world" if not. i'll be living in fear everyday. yeah...
oh. know. barbie's boyfriends are really rather handsome. grinns. whee. haha. and barbie's bod is like everybody's dream bod?? haha. so sickk.
whee. it's quite fun. yeah. i'm going to church later. sigh. so much homework though. think i won't go for training. bleagh. kk. going to play. ciao.
so they said.
Thursday, July 22, 2004
Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
Im sorry
I cant be Perfect
Now its just too late
And we cant go back
Im sorryI cant be Perfect
I try not to think
About the pain I feel inside
Did you know you used to be
My hero?
Nothings gonna change
The things that you said
Nothings gonna make this
Right again
Please dont turn your back
I cant believe its hard
Just to talk to you
i like the colour thingy. it's sooo cool. XD
so they said.
oh yeah i forgot to mention that today. my erjie said 2 things to me which really hit me. first. not so serious. haha. she said. "aiyah, camille who doesnt like to suan" humph. ok lah. fiine. get suaned by teacher's also can. bleagh.
anyway. yeah. she asked me straight in my face "do you cut?" i was like woah. suddenly ask me. hm. yeah. then at first i didn't hear lah. yeah. then i just said no. then my other friend was like. SHEEEEEE!? then she laughed. erm. ok. she had a really beeg reaction. mygawsh. all my friends.. i don't know what to say.. but i don't. tried. didn't do it. but thought before. i think i was so stupid. seriously. hm. but yeah. it's quite scary when all my friends think i'm the last person on earth. haha. yeah. deedum. i hope i won't no more. don't want to. scary scary scary. haha.
peace. :D
so they said.
whee. i don't like it when i suddenly can't talk don't know why. bleagh. anyway. don't know why i'm like that. saw your faces. seriously. argh. i really cannot be bothered. hm. least i'm not fully daoing you all lah. still quite pissed. i hate that kind of talk. come on lor. the first thing you talk to me about is that. ergh. i'm glad i'm not boy crazy. but i'm still straight. maybe i'll be crazy over one guy. but pleeease. spare me. like you know last time in the olden days your cattle showed how wealthy you are. now it's like the more boys you know the better. it's quite funny leh. haha.
you rock lah. whee. :D ahaz. yeah. never thought i'd open up again. whee. i forgot the stupid song i was singing today. it was sooo funny. haha. the "mhmm" song. OH. i remember. "and all the frogs went shalalala shalalala shalalala" aha. it was SUPER funny can. haha. i was trying to cheer my friends up before debate. sigh. we still lost. but yeah. nia mind. we win some we lose some. i'm glad for my erjie though. whee.
going to start today. yeah. gtg. ciao.
so they said.
Wednesday, July 21, 2004
rather annoyed. whee. i'm supposed to prove to my mum that i've got self control. hm. i do ok! i think yeah. i'll geddit. yeah. so proud of myself. i actually thought before i replied you. haha. hope you understand. i'm not ready. actually i'm just putting no across in a nice way. haha. but yeah. hope you're not hurt or anything. haha. sweet of you. but you're not exactly my type. hm. haha.
i seriously wished nothing ever had happened between us. there are so many us'es that it's so vague. but i wished nothing happened between us. you know which us. i still feel so awkward. cos i can suddenly think about you then. the thingy happened and i go all bleaghed again. can't forget what happened.
anyway. haha. it's sad being stupid. then i can't tell. ergh. i'm just blind. which is not fun. cos then i'm like the last person to know everything. deedum.
omg. just when i thought i had one "handled" the whole gang comes along. gawsh. hm. so far so good. though i hate that feeling. i'm suddenly feeling too much of it. but come on lah. even a fool would know that God wants me to learn stuff out through all this. i will learn.
yup. shall go. tata.
so they said.
Tuesday, July 20, 2004
whee. ego. don't assume. it makes an ASS out of U n ME. geddit. i love that. haha. whee. ouch got tummy ache. yeah. felt unfinished. i don't know. i really have to think through my responses very carefully now. seriously. the right response is like something i rarely make. and it's super difficult. prudence. something i hope to achieve. :S
aha. my partner rocks lah. she's sooo nice. :D haha. deedum.
then again it might not be me. i wouldn't know. i'm not you.
how come we don't even talk no more
and you don't even call no more
we don't barely keep in touch at all
and i don't even feel the same love when we hug no more
you're touch is just like ice
tomorrow going to be a long day. i hope i have enough time to study for my lit test which is like the day after. and i just started studying today. best right. sigh. aiyah. bleagh. sorry. i will. gtg. annoyed with mum. hm. night. can't wait for tomorrow to be over.
they just rock. seriously. they do. whee. yeah. gtg. ciao. wondering what to do still. quite stressed about tests and stuff.
so they said.
i'm sorry.
hello. so far so good. except i caught myself complaining. ahaz. i've decided to stop swearing. and i'm SUPER determined to do it. waha. everytime i say "shit" or "damn" i've got to minus 10cents from my recess money. it's seriously depressing. i only could spend 2.30 during recess today. oh mann. haha. :D but i guess if it's the only practical way that will work. then yeah. i'll do it. even if it means i starve. haha. then can lose weight. yeah. i KNOW i can do it. i have to stop swearing. not exactly a very good testimony if i keep swearing. not much of a difference.
have been reading bible quite reguarly. and i can remember what was written. it was SUPER apt. it was SOOO apt i was rather freaked out. -runs to get book- this is what it said on monday morning after sunday night. *cough* " as believers, we need an awareness of our spiritual unity with other christians. we need to focus on teh fundamentals on which we agree--such as our love for the Saviour who died for us-- rather than bicker about lesser issues" liew. almost cried after the yeah. and reading it. i guess it was my fault. i guess i expected too much from you all. i admit. i was in the wrong. maybe i thought you all would feel the same way as i do. obviously not. i thought you all didn't care. maybe you do after all. i wouldn't know what's going through your thoughts. but faith is an individual thing. and we all have our choices. i don't know. i was SUPER dissapointed. still am quite. it stings thinking about it. it's going to be even harder for me to bring up the issue next time. i don't know how you feel. sigh. it's no point wanting to do something. but not doing anything about it. you've said it so many times. only done it once. and. sigh. i'm not saying there's anything wrong. just that. there's no point if no one means what they say. i can't tell if you mean what you say. sigh. woah. never thought you'd ever say that. but yeah. we're used to it. we are. it does get quite annoying sometimes. but yeah. long-suffering prevails. :D aiyah. i'm not angry. just disappointed that we don't have that common goal. but yeah. can't force you guys. sigh. walk the talk.
so filled with emotions. this world is so emotional driven. thanks again for the advice. i won't let myself be driven by my emotions.. :D i don't know how you always seem to give such good advice everytime i need some. you rock man!! ahaz. :D you ALL rock. whee.
alright. yeah. erm. forgot what i wanted to write. yeah. omg. haha. i think the day will come when my friends will stop believing i'm straight. not that i'll ever let myself be curved. but yeah. someone will do something. aiyo. haha. today was so funny. they were suaning me about.. stupid thing.. prefect headmaster. cos i had to look for him to tell him some stuff. they were like "camille, are you seeing mr ang" omg. haha. i couldn't stop laughing. haha. whee. they were pretending to be my conscience today. waha. and i got saboed. not really. i saboed my friend to do this write-up on the newater plant thingy then the teacher said, choose a partner. oh my friend is my dajie. yeah. haha. then choose a partner and she yelled. me. so now. we're both doing this stupid thing. bleagh. ahah. so sad. whee. haha. :D anyway. i am straight. haah. yesterday i was laughing like crazy. i cried SOOO much. whee. yeah. cos during english. loooong story not really worth typing out. celebrated racial harmony day. teachers played chapteh. hahaha. they were the best. i couldn't stop laughing after that. hahahaahah. seriously. :D whee. yeah. i thank God for my school friends. without them i think i would really really really really hate school. they bring so much joy into my life. "thank you Lord, for my special friends, thank you Lord for what they mean to me" yeah. whee. haha. love em.
cme was quite fun. i only wanted to be the lawyer cos in all the shows the lawyers are the cool ones. *cough* yeah. whee. out of point. uh huh.
very tired. tomorrow got training. again. yup. not going to complain. but. everywhere i go. and i mean EVERYwhere i go. there are always these type of people. i don't know why i have to prove myself to them. but i need to. do i? if i don't they'll think of me like i'm not.. as in. i'm not who they think i am. sigh. quite sad. i don't need to prove myself to them. i can just dao them. but it's totally not in my nature to dao people. haha. yeah. can't. don't want to. anyway. if i don't prove to them that i'm not who they think i am. am i being a bad testimony? i'm not like acting cute and trying so hard to make them like me. PLEASE. i'm just being myself. talking to that person. maybe these people will get to know me better. yeah. it's so sad.
the depression rate is getting higher? why?
i really really regret i ever had those thoughts. i really regret almost doing it. i really regret trying to do it. i'm sorry Lord.
was talking about selfishness in my chinese compo which i am certainly going to fail. cos mira wrote my ending for me. and it totally did not make sense. haha. i was laughing like crazy. mwahaha. yeah. anyway. people think about themselves before thinking about others. i really need to cultivate unselfishness. think about others first. opposite of selfishness is thoughtfulness? haha. don't know.
i hurt too.
nope. not exactly what i mean. deedum. but yeah. it's quite scary how deep stuff "penetrate" (think i'm using the wrong word.. whooops). okok. erm. how deep stuff 'affect' you. the deeper the worse. and being quite young. it really scarred me. really scarred. scared and scarred. that too. that one turned into hate. not really hate but i really closed that one out forever. but yah. i want to thank you for making me stronger. i think that's a song from jamelia called thank you. haha. yeah. it will never go back to the same. i know it. you know it.
but i'm still sorry.
i didn't do anything. she was just being sensitive. haha. :D seriously i promise. i already said never mind.
gross. dreamt gross stuff. i'm quite grossed out you actually did something. don't want to get it. haha. i just found the letter which i thought i tore and threw away. i told you i tore and threw it away. hahaha. oops. you know what. i'm glad i don't exactly care anymore. ahah.
i'm doing the last thing i ever wanted to do on my life's to-do list.
to grow up.
so they said.
Sunday, July 18, 2004
rising up to be counted worthy.
omg!! like since when could i choose my font AND the colour of my font. ahh. haha. this rocks. not really but it IS nice. waha. ooh. my butt hurts. haha. sitting on a hard chair. which is waaaay high above the computer. but
nia mind. ahah.
yeah. sigh. that was so off lah. haiz. man. okok. shall be concious of my language from now on. sigh. i love these little things which God does/do. (can't decide which one) english a bit cranky now. anyway. i love it when people do these. they have absolutely NO idea how much it means to me. i remember it for life. i still remember all those pep talks. they usually wake me up. but this one really REALLY hit me hard. thanks. you know who you are. ahaz. don't usualy mention people's names on my blog. i love pep talks. ESPECIALLY when i need it like super now lah. yup.
talk about making people think. i guess the reasons are yeah. i'm too lazy to do anything to get back on track and i'm not putting in enough effort. the "trying" thing min taught us quite long ago is still stuck in me. man. i miss her sunday school lessons. haha. yeah. anyway. i confess. i wasn't really paying attention during sunday school lesson. hmm. :S sarah and i keep talking and talking. from now on i shall. as difficult as it is. i will. but yeah. i got the gist of what she was teaching lah. she was talking about the 4 main points we should talk about when we're witnessing. it sounded so cliched though. really cliched. i've come to realise i don't exactly like very cliched things. though sometimes it's the truth. omg. i'm just rambling and rambling on. anyway. yeah. talking about sunday school lesson first. hm. erm. yeah. that's about it. we learnt a new song called "God of all" yeah. not bad.
service was QUITE relevant today. though last week i was cracking my brain on how to apply what we learnt into my life. yeah. haha. rach was kinda lost too. yeah. anyway. Pastor was talking about how paul was not moved my trials and tribulation and how he did not count his life dear to himself. i was CONFUSED. like majorly. thank goodness jojo cleared my doubt.. haha. yeah. pastor tried to make it applicable to us. i could tell. haha. cos yeah. he was like. this is for all those youngsters here today. and he was staring at me. haha. yeah. cos. he asked me how school was and i said it was very stressful. well it IS. shall elaborate later. yeah. anyway. so yeah. he was like. don't be stressed. just say these things do not move me. omg. but seriously. i think it'll take some not some a lot of time before i can ever say that. it's so tough. i'm still quite confused though. erm. COS. see. if i'm not moved by the amount of work, by the amount stress. am i to remain nonchalant? huh. and if i remain nonchalant. how am i supposed to put my heart and soul into doing my best into my work to honour the Lord. :S confuzzled. but then again if i buckle under the stress then? huh!!! omg. i'm going round and round and round. yeah. and not counting my life dear to myself. means? -blurs- at first i thought it meant i could commit suicide anytime. then. jojo said it meant that i'm not afraid of dying. because if you are then you wouldn't dare do anything. it's still kinda hazy. but i'll go think through it. but yeah. i guess it's a goal to work towards. but the thing which stood out most was when pastor was talking about don't know what's his name. when he became successful then he thought he didn't need God anymore. yeah. i guess that's how i felt.. and then. BOOM. after that everything collapsed and went wrong. so now. i've got to go back to the Lord. i'm going to put in a lot of effort. i'm going to do whatever it takes lor. yeah.
uh huh. trying to recollect. yeah. sigh. i want to rise up and serve. i really really do. you all are super inspiring. each of you in your own way. i can't be like all of you. cos i'm me. yeah. but still. i want to grow right. i'm SUPER inspired now. but. i can't do it alone can i? i can't be a committee on my own. but what if they don't want? how do i get them to be as inspired as me? -scratches head- but i know inspiration won't get us through all this will it. yeah. there must be that genuine desire to want to serve the Lord and enough love for God to sacrifice all for him. what's my focus in life? hm. honestly i don't know. i'll go think and get back here. ahaz. yeah. so many sacrifices have to be made. but as i said. i'll do whatever it takes to get back to the Lord. i KNOW i need Him if i want anything to get done. honour the Lord, and in turn He'll honour you. i don't deseve that honour but. my aim is to honour Him. woah. putting God first is truthfully going to be a MAJOR change in my life. have to be concious of Him. really do. toughness man. uh huh. yeah. that's about it. i THINK. don't have a very good memory. but i really loved today. :D
whee. yeah. haha. this is the second time it happened. it's rather scary. i wasn't there. but yeah. aiyo. it was both the parties fault lah. huh. it's ok. we still love each other. love forgives yeah. ahaz. that reminds me of all the lessons i've been learning since young. and yeah. i guess. i've learnt how a christian should live. but i'm not living that life. ok. know what. i shall try to practise it. however hard it may be. that isn't stated in the bible. but it's ok. haha. it's made my stronger and made me realise much more.
aww. my dada went to india. not yet. his flight is in one hour's time. haha. i'm going to miss him. crap. one whole week of pure mumness. ergh. -dies- haha. omg. my father and i are like launcelot and old gobbo from merchant of venice!! haha. kind of. i think that part is really funny.
anyway. i've got to go eat dinner. i have NO idea what's wrong with my brother. he's only nice to me when he's asking me how to do his work lor. ergh. mygawsh. i've got to go. ahh. got to learn my tingxie and study for lit. crap. i hate lit. and study chinese and geog. choose one. ok. i'll study geog. ahaz. sigh. i hope i start of well. cos tomorrow is the day i hate most. OMG. i'm screwed. haha. i've got art on wednesday. i haven't done my art piece. haha. haiz. someone please give me reasons on why i shouldn't be stressed. know what. the more i want to please the Lord, the more i get stressed. aiyo. ciao.
so they said.
