Saturday, August 21, 2004
heaven is counting on you.
not much better. but i really thank God that i'm not worse. yupp. hope that i'll be able to sing later. not as loud as i usually do. but yeah. just hope i can sing. though i think i'll just break halfway into a really bad coughing fit. haha. :)
sigh. i'm sorry. i don't know what to say. i guess, sometimes it's true. but yeah. i'm trying. do you know how difficult it is, to give up something you want for something someone else wants. selfish ah camm. sigh. both sides can't win. i wish both could. i really do. you're not trying very hard either, are you. leaving me to do the choosing. why can't we all just be fine. it's like, you're making me choose between. you tell me how to choose. I DO care. argh -pulls hair- at least, you didn't say it angrily, but sadly. that's worse. alright.
i won't think about sad things anymore. i'm trying to shove them out of the way. it's A LOT of things to shove away, i just realised. but yeah. know what. it isn't going away, the feeling is just nagging at me. sigh. maybe there's some truth in it. but yeah. i KNOW i'm trying, and i've been struggling with it. i've been super concoius of it. so concious, i rather be unconcious. you don't know how i feel, so please. don't say anything. sigh. and i thought today was going to be a great day.
don'tactdifferent.
deedum. gosh. i'm getting all dizzy, thanks to the stupid medicine. humph. know what. i cough so hard, now my back hurts. i cough so hard that i get headache's all the time. and i drank like 12 bottles of honey water already since yesterday. just keep drinking and drinking. and it think it made me pee like too many times. and yeah. my toilet bowl thingy cracked. haha. so now i have to walk so far to my bro's toilet or my parent's toilet if i wanna pee. haha. so annoying. yah. deedum. okok. i'm really quite bleagh though i was smiling and hyper just now. think i'll go and pray later. yup.
ok. the medicine is REALLY taking a toll on me. think i need to sleep. nites.
so they said.
Thursday, August 19, 2004
sigh. i'm SICK. crap. practised sooo hard for anniversary and everything just came down to a bad throat. i've been desperately trying to get rid of it. i think i like finished the whole box of strepsils already. and today went to class not talking. and word spread round the whole class that i was pmsing. WHAT THE. haha. stupid friends of mine. haha. quite funny. cos i was trying not to talk. but yeah. my friends will still nice even with me whispering and stuff. haha. the whole class was wondering why class suddenly was so quiet. i bet the teacher's were wondering too. mwahha. :) i still could crack jokes whispering. ouch. my lungs hurt. coughing and coughing. man. i need a miracle.
splinter and plank verse. i really like this verse. sigh. so many problems. i don't know how to deal. i hate guys. anybody second that. guys are SOO problematic. they totally ruined and screwed us up lah. i don't know how i got included since i'm the least of the flirt amongst ALL and don't talk to them. maybe i'm just antisocial. but please. don't need to know them. dont' wanna get involved. bleagh.
i don't like it. when people whom i don't respect that much scold or lecture me. seriously. respect. beeg word? not really leh. yeah. anyway. i just don't like it. as in like. why should i listen to you kinda thing. you're not much better than me. and i hate it when people who are in "situations" try to tell me what's wrong. and stuff. you know why you have to tell me so many times. i don't respect you. you haven't done anything that's worth me respecting. so what if you're older than me. it's one year. only a few months. maybe i'm overreacting. but i hope you read this. though you don't even know this blog. there ARE people i don't really like.
i'm so irritated by everything that's happening. seriously. everywhere i go it's boys. it's not THAT bad in my school clique cos we've got body parts to talk about. haha. and the presence of shane changes everything. haha. shane is mee. anyway. yeah. but it doesn't change the fact that everybody still talks about school. then i go to church and i hear boys boys boys. what's the difference between church friends and school friends. isn't there supposed to be a difference? or am i one again expecting too much.
"saints" being set apart.
omg. the weeks are passing faster and faster. goodness. like. yesterday was monday only lah. woah. dies. exams are coming faster and faster too.
haha. my friend just called me and she was complaining that she couldn't hear me at all. ahha. she was like. HUH!? HUH!? hahah. whee. sho cool yeah.
anyway. stupid brother of mine. reading my smses. at least they weren't from *cough* anyone. the cough didn't mean anything. i just coughed. but it did mean a bit. ahah. talking crap. yeah. anyway. bleagh. i'm in a SUPER bleaghed mood. okok. gtg. ltr.
so they said.
Tuesday, August 17, 2004
so sexy. haha. -drools-
so they said.
shadowed bliss. shadowed kiss.
hey. i'm always blogging the day before a test. i guess. i just need to sort out my thoughts. and i like blogging. when i make the time to do it. yup. wasn't EXACTLY allowed to go for the thingy tonight though i was SOOO looking forward to it. guess. i needed the rest and the time to study. hmm. not that it made any difference. a bit only. yeah. i'm sorta multi-tasking reading my notes and typing. think i'll type the wrong thing soon. but yeah. haha. usually when i blog i need to concentrate wan.
i don't like lit. humph. it's like my 3rd suckiest subject after hcl and english. haha. my english SUCKS. i keep screwing it cos it's usually the last paper. then i always go out after that. so yeah. ahha. always getting distracted by the counting down of time. know what. i think i better start studying soon. sigh. i don't like mugging. but now i have the Lord. so yeah. think it'll be better.
was watching "true courage" just now. nope. i don't watch channel 5 my brother was watching. please. i only watch playhouse disney channel, disney channel, nickelodeon and the various sports channels. eww. think our local channels suck. yeah anyway. was watching "true courage" and once again. i started crying. cos the lady in the show reminded me about how people need the Lord. the song is nice. :) "at the end of broken dreams" everytime i sing that line, there's like pang in my heart. don't know why. don't know what broken dream. prolly loads. but it hurts. honestly, i can't imagine how it would be like to go through my life without knowing about God. i can't imagine. rather scary. yeah. and like what t liyen said. there'd be nothing to hold you back from doing whatever you want. i think it would have been worse. anyway. taking my eyes of me.. yeah. heaven is counting on you. heaven ain't just counting on you to spread the gospel is it? are they counting on me to serve the Lord in church too? i guess so.
i realised that i'm a coward. and very extremely people-orientated. which is rather annoying. ok. neh mind. "the fruit that is rooted in you" my brother's song. yupp. it's a nice song. with nice actions. woah. didn't know mel was so good. :O haha. :) loving the unlovable.. sometimes loving my brother is so difficult, especially when he says something hurtful and gets angry with my reaction.. haiz. and then after that i'm supposed to be nice to him. sometimes i think i'd rather be boxing him. he's so annoying. bleagh.
anniversary's coming up. and yeah. invited my friends. 3 of them. 2 of my closest. and my "girlfriend" who sorta invited herself.. not really. haha. but i guess, my other friend would feel more comfortable with her there. yupp. it's going to be VERY extremely difficult. like the other time i wasn't successful in doing it. i don't think i'd be very succesful in doing it this time again. everytime i look at the neoprint my heart sinks and i remember SOO clearly what happened. how i felt and how you felt. -heart sinks- it's one of the most difficult issues i've ever faced. i wish i REALLY wish i didn't have to do it alone. i'm scared. what if after that then it'll end. no. then it'll be my fault. so what if they don't care. i do. sigh.
we filled four tables. wow. every year we've been increasing in tables. :) from 1-4. haha. beeg group. haha. i'm seriously praying it'll grow bigger. cos it seems stagnant. anybody realised that the people who come are the same people who leave. i hope i'm not the only one realising that. what impression of bethany does that leave on them. it's so difficult. how do you do it?
i've never sat with my mum during any service before. and it's quite interesting. haha. i was laughing like crazy when my mum was singing. haha. not that it's bad. but it just sounds funny to hear my mummy sing. cos i rarely hear her singing. while i'm singing all the time. my father can't sing though. THAT'S the funniest. haha. anyway. yeah. she actually talked to me when i talked to her. she didnt' exactly scold me when i talked to her. and i was controlling my laughter okay. stupid kenneth. my mummy was like. "see!" grrr. haha. purposely right. liew. whee. yeah anyway. it was quite funny. like interview like that. i rarely get to go to church on weekdays. and see this kind of stuff. so as tired as i was after a whole day in school. i was trying really really hard to keep awake. and pay attention. plus what lori said has still stucked in my mind. about missons stuff. and how we can help practically. the song the combined choir was nice. :) and know what. practically the whole sanctuary was filled with the choir members that when they got up to sing there were sooo few people left. so i had to clap extra.. i love to hear people clap after i sing my heart out knowing that i did my best. so i love to clap for people too. so they'll feel nice and nice. yeah. haha.
aiyo. value is not equal worth. so chim. from lit. stupid lit. humph. haha. can't stand it. "merchant of venice" shakespeare. goodness i don't understand old english at all lah. and shakespeare is a bit crazy.. the only thing i can remember is "in sooth i know not why i am so sad" haha. that's the beginning of the book. i'll memorize the last line too. when i get to it. haven't finished it yet. yupp.
omg. i didn't know that i had the lyrics for the song "it was enough" like i have the score. i LOOOVE the song. love it. anyway. going to teach stephy the actions tomorrow. hope i remember. :) can't wait for anniversary. oh. know this saturday is the best. i'm torn between squash, prefects and church ALL at the same time. and i mean SAME TIME. goodness. open house. got sooo many duties. must take people around for tour. yet must stay at the squash court to welcome people. and soo many things. this is really impossible to deal with. BUT. whatever it is. church's first priority. then. squash and prefects. i'm not really giong to do much cos i have to leave early. yup. ok. gtg now. need to sleep. slept late yesterday. not really. but i've got stuff under my eyes. as in. rings under my eyes. haha. think i'm the only one in class who doesn't have eyebags. and i thank God for them. okok. gtg. nites. *yawn*
will you be there.
still the same.
so they said.
Sunday, August 15, 2004
standing up to be counted worthy. (alone)
i feel so useless. why are you so dao. somebody tell me what to do. i feel so alone. i hated that face. ergh. Lord. help me step out. give me the courage to step out. then again. what makes me so different. arghh. speck and plank. sigh. "what makes you different in the world's eyes" don't know which song it's from. i know something goes like that. i'm so annoyed with myself. i feel like slapping myself.
anyway. i HATED the feeling. why doesn't anybody sense it. whyyy. ergh.
today was a BLEAGH day. i tell you i've never been so guilty stricken in my whole entire life until this year. i don't know how many times lah.. sigh. why do i keep doing the wrong thing. well. i'm glad i feel guilty then i know i have a conscience. which has a bit the slow reaction cos it only tells me i'm wrong after i do it. sigh. i'm very sorry. i didn't know one sentence could hit me SO hard. honestly. i'm freaked out. and now i'm really scared of you. aiii. yupp. but i promise i'll never do it again.
anyway. today the principal from the orphanage came to talk to us. haha. i was really moved by her. like the way she cried when she spoke of how grateful she was that the children were saved. woah. i tell you the impact was SO great when she choked back her tears. and she kept using the word happy. comeon. compare us with them. how come they can be all happy. and everybody here is like. "oh i'm so depressed" goodness. i think it's rather stupid. hear that cam? YOU're stupid. haiz.
today pastor was talking about people who commit suicide. yah huh. and whee. we've got to sing with our heart!! :) "run with a heart that is TRUE" can't wait for anniversary. this weeks going to be a tough week ahead though. before i can reach the anniversary. it's going to be TOUGH. really need to pray. as discouraged as i am. i really hope that.. yeah.
it's another forgiven but cannot be forgotten thing. how many times am i going to do this kind of thing. aiyo.
deedum. i really want to talk to you. don't dare. i really want to ask you how you cope? how you did it. cos i want to learn. i want to be like you. i'm so annoyed with the ant which keeps crawling on the monitor screen. haha. ooh there was a millipede crawling during sunday school today. aww. iss lost. but yeah neh mind. like we ALWAYS lose to sss. haha. triple s. alvin calls rach and i twin terrors. but haha. yeah. we're not terrors. AND haha. liyen and cheekeen are..!! super funny can. :) ahahaz. but i've seen the fierce side of them before. quite scary. yupp. tomorrow's elections. sigh. scared. going to just trust as much as i can. and i'm going to pray. haiz. yupp. ok. have i mentioned that i'm SUPER tired. haha. and vanathi is going running to train up her lungs for the real performance on saturday which she finds ooba tiring. it is quite. but yup. not really. wonder how anniversary is going to be. :) ok. better go now. goodnight.
#actually did it.
watching from a corner watching the romance unfold. (doesn't mean anything, just thought of it)
so they said.
