Sunday, August 29, 2004
this is an all time low. and when i mean all time i mean ALL time. i've never felt this down before. N-E-V-E-R. oh God. seriously. i wish everyone would really bugger off right now. i don't feel like talking. cos i don't feel like bleaghing at people. unless, you're worth talking to. but there's no one really worth talking to on msn right now. hmm. -.- no offence anyway.
sigh. i don't know why i'm so depressed. i'm not. i'm just really stressed. stressed because i haven't started studying. "study hard" was the last thing i heard when i left church. ohgawsh. almost died.
on they go through private pain
living fear to fear
laughter hides their silent cries
only Jesus hears
love that part. think i felt like that during chimes. like SERIOUSLY. went hyper. but when i cooled down. reality hit me again. then i started singing "God of reality" love that song too. yah huh. there's nothing motivating me to study. and i mean NOTHING. i'm just glad that there's no more squash.. as in. i haven't gone for a week cos i was sick. and i'm going to stop after the holidays. just remembered. holidays are next week. but i totally don't feel comforted at all. i just feel like crying even more. even when there's nothing to cry about. cos crying won't help. i just feel like crying. i haven't cried for a while after crying like everyday. so it's a withdrawal syndrome thingy.. ahh. i'm starting to get delirious and talking rubbish. ok. i'm really talking crap.
RIGHT. motivation. i can't find it. was talking to cherlyn. i asked her about what motivates her and she was telling me about how the parable of the talents motivated her. cos the Lord has given us time and she has a TALENTed brain.. so she must use it. something like that. just refer to the parable lahh. as in i'm telling myself to refer to the parable. yeah. but. what if it doesn't motivate me. i'm really dying. i haven't started studying and endyears are in a months time. how does everybody study so hard. like the sec 4s started studying eons ago and they're still at it. i haven't started and i already died. i keep wanting to blame my mum for pushing me too hard. then i keep telling myself i can't.
i can't remember when ade said. i'm suffering from doryness. yeah. but she was telling us about how when we're studying. we keep thinking that there's only time for ourselves and our studying and we totally shove God out of sight. yeah. maybe it's today. can't remember. but they point is that she said it! yeah. anyway. i feel super empty without God when i study. and in life. i just feel bleagh. like now. i haven't prayed about this. i'm going to pray soo hard that i won't do it again.. and i really need to study. i can't wait to stop squash then i can focus so much more on everything else. not that i focus whole lot in squash. but it takes up a LOT of time. ergh. yeah. sigh. i'm getting VERY stressed about getting into trip science now.. arghh.
i hate missing you cos it hurts everytime more i think about you. and it sucked dreaming about you. though actually i didn't see you in my dream. thankfully.
i hate hating. and. argh. i don't like feeling this way. Lord. i don't. nothing's right. i hate not being able to smile and have that smile last.
my center.
so they said.
